Jokes

andreas002 · Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:50 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
and Maltesers after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
& hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
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andreas002 · Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:51 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop...

And she said....

(This is good...)

(Ready?)

(Remember, she's a blonde...)

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
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andreas002 · Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:51 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

Did you hear about the flasher who was about to retire?

He decided to stick it out for another year.
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andreas002 · Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:53 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars, then INSURED them against FIRE, among
other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made
even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer
filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a
series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the
insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge
stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be
unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure the lengthy and costly appeal process,
the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000
to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
"fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had
him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case being used
against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the
First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award
Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!
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andreas002 · Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:54 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

--> A SEAFARING STORY, FOR YOU SAILORS!

A sailor was driven off course by a storm, and smashed into a small
island. The next morning, he awoke on the beach. The sand and sky were
reddish. Walking around in a daze, the sailor saw red birds, red
grass, red trees and red bananas. He was shocked to find that even his
skin was reddish. "Oh, noooooo!" he exclaimed. "I'm marooned!"
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andreas002 · Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:54 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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andreas002 · Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:55 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

So he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the co-worker replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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andreas002 · Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 8:42 am Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

Why did the ostrich go to the dessert?
Because there is so much sand there to burry his head in.
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~willy~ · Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:02 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

~willy~ · Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:19 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

heres a good 1 but i dont no the name,

so theres an american, an asian and, a mexican. they all were working on building a skyscraper. it was lunch time. the american was eating a bolagna sandwhich, the asian had sushi, and the mexican had a burrito.
all of the sudden the american said " if i get a balogna sandwhich one more time im gonna jump off this building and suiside"
so the others were like
oh yah me too. so the next day they all got the same thing and jumped off the building and suisided.
the next week at the funeral the mexican and asian wives were like

" oh i should have known he didnt liked" and they looked at the american wife expecting her to say something

she said" dont look at me, he packs his own lunch."

andreas002 · Posted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 6:47 am Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater light aircraft crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1926 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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The Shogun · Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 9:58 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

funny stuff Very Happy

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If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace.
- John Lennon

Demand Peace!

andreas002 · Posted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:52 am Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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andreas002 · Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 11:19 am Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

This one is called "12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts":

I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

I will get dressed before noon.

I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

I will read a book... if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

1I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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cole · Level 2 Status: **Offline** Posts: 72 Joined: 30 Nov 2007

Its hilarious!!!!!

Sam: Miss, Miss!

Teacher: Yes, Sam?

Sam: Can I go to the Loo please?

Teacher: Only if you say the alphabet.

Sam: Ok... a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.

Teacher: Where's the p?

Sam: Dripping down my leg!!!

The Shogun · Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:15 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject:

The Shogun · Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:16 pm Topic Title: Jokes Post subject: